I'm Not Okay, I Promise
by Silverflare07
Summary: The thing about spending most of your time in your own mind is that it gets incredibly lonely. Logan angst. Kogan and Lomille.


So this was originally written and posted on my Tumblr, but someone wanted me to uploaded it here so they could favorite it. I know this is short. It's really just a drabble, which is why I wasn't going to upload it. But here it is.

There's not a whole lot to say about it. It's an angst-y look at the whole Lomille drama. Because I was always a little confused as to why they insisted that the Lomille drama was all Logan's fault. I mean, I'd have commitment issues too with a girl who I'd been with before who had cheated on me.

Anyways, I just can't see Logan Mitchell being okay with whole cycle of break-up and make-up so I tried to explain it.

And I love Kogan so that's in there too. But just a fair warning, there are no happy endings to be found here.

* * *

Logan Mitchell is lonely and scared.

And, honestly, he's tired of being both.

Except, for all the knowledge he's acquired, for all the data he knows, for all the problems he can fix, this is the one thing he just doesn't know how to do. Because Kendall is out there becoming whatever it is that he and Lucy are becoming and Carlos is laughing with Jennifer by the pool and James can be with who ever he wants (except maybe Lucy) because he's _James and Logan is sitting on his bed in basketball shorts and a sweater that's too big for him, listening to the saddest song he has on his iPod on repeat. Which, admittedly, isn't the best way to get himself out of this funk, but sometimes he just runs out of ways to convince himself he's happy and this all he feels like he can do._

Camille is the first, the only, person who's ever really shown any interest in nerd-y little Logan Mitchell, like real long term interest, and she's pretty and fun and nice and not afraid to take chances or chase after her passion so he'd been glad when he finally figured out that he kind of liked her too in that way. And things were good. He still loved Kendall, but he's always going to love Kendall, but he had Camille and she was enough.

But he remembers that she cheated on him with one of his _best friends. And remembers that everyone assumed that he would be the one who'd get voted out of the band. On more than one occasion. Which hasn't actually happened in a while, but that's how his brain works when he gets like this. It reminds him of all the ways that he matters the least. Even in his own relationship, he didn't matter enough to keep Camille from kissing James in first place._

He's scared of getting hurt like that again. Of being remind, once again, that he's not enough. He's not enough for Kendall. He's not enough for Camille. He's not enough for himself. So he'd pulled away. Let his relationship with Camille stay superficial. Made sure his friendship with Kendall _became that way. Made sure it was that way, at least a little, with James and Carlos too._

And he pretends he's happy. Convinces himself that the cycle of breaking up and making up is what he wants. Pretends in his own mind that the relationship _isn't superficial, because even though it is -so that he won't get hurt- if he pretends in his head that it isn't, it almost feels like someone loves him. And like he loves that someone back. He convinces himself that it doesn't bother that he friends don't seem to notice -or aren't bothered by- the way he's pulled away. That it doesn't matter that they don't have serious conversations anymore. That Logan spends more time on his own then with them. Because he can pretend in his head that nothing's changed._

He starts crying. Not uncontrollable sobs, just silent tears, but he hates himself a little more for it all the same. It makes him feel weak. He should be strong enough to talk himself out of stuff like this, but he's not. Not tonight at least.

The thing about spending most of your time in your own mind is that it gets incredibly lonely. It's safer, you can't be hurt if you already know what's going to happen-what everyone is going to say- ahead of time. But it's lonely because you can never completely trick yourself into believing that it's real.

But Logan's too scared to do anything else.

Scared that if he lets Camille in again she'll hurt him. Or worse. He'll hurt her because as much as he wants to love her he can't. Not like he loves Kendall. He's scared to let Kendall in because he just doesn't know how the blonde will react to the intensity of his feelings and he can't have someone else walk away, taking his heart with them. He just doesn't know if he could survive that right now.

So Logan does the walking away, controlling the pace and the slow but steady breaking of his own heart. It hurts less that way, somehow. If he's the one that's doing it.

He wishes he knew how to fix it. How to fix himself. How to make everything okay again. Like how it was before they moved to L.A. Where being in love with Kendall was a secret, but not a problem. Where girls showing no interest in him didn't matter because he didn't really know what it was like to have them show interest in the first place. Where he smiled and meant it. Where he didn't have to pretend to be happy.

But he doesn't. So he just continue to lie on his bed, tears silent running down his cheeks and staring blankly at the ceiling while he listens to every negative thought in his brain on repeat, like the sad song on his iPod. He stays there until his eyes slip shut and his breathing evens out. Until his grip on his iPod loosens and it goes tumbling from his hand to land on the mattress, the sad song still playing.

He falls asleep with the light on because he just doesn't have the energy to hide anymore. Not even from himself.

* * *

Well, there you have it. Let me know what you think. Reviews are gold to an author.


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